So I wrote a probably award-winning blog about Tinder. More specifically, how men f*** up their Tinder profiles.
I’ve received several letters (none) from men about this piece – suggesting focusing on the hairier sex was plain old misandry.
My response? Don’t you ever make me reach for a dictionary again – and shut yer sensitive faces. I totally love and respect you fools.
The first blog was to highlight how ‘looking for love’ chaps are ruining their chances (helpful, see?) – and this, the second, is how women are screwing up too.
Jeez, Louise. We just want you all to be happy.
So, to give ladies the best chance of Tinder success, I asked some men what would turn them off a Tinder profile. They looked up from their dubious porn and told me.
The big no-no, it seems, is Snapchat. The filters.
Lloyd, 30, from Hull:
Duck faces and overly-used Snapchat filters. Especially the dog one.
David, 37, from Birmingham, agrees:
Those Snapchat filters where they make their eyes bigger and blacker. And then they stick an animal nose on.
I can’t quite say why I don’t like the filters. Because it’s an effort to hide their real features?
Danny, 28, from Crewe is more blunt with his analysis:
It’s w*nky as hell. No to Snapchat filters! The animal/hearts/flower crown filters.
They just come across as childish – and a failed attempt at enhancing themselves.
See plenty of those on Plenty of Fish. And posing with elephants or tigers. We get it, you’re well-travelled.
And another bugbear of mine is those personality types: ENFP, INFJ, etc. W*nky as hell.
And pretentious music lyrics as bios.
*deletes GSOH from my profile*
*deletes first verse of Club Tropicana too*
Any other bio balls-ups?
I asked my focus-group leader John, 34, from Milton Keynes:
I never thought of myself as judgmental until me and friends started discussing this, but when it comes to the bio, saying ‘Ask and find out’ or ‘I like going out – but also like staying in’.
Why not just write ‘I like doing things’?
We’d rather something was written in the bio – but if the grammar is shocking and it’s written like a 2002 text message, then that’s worse than no words.
And if you went to the ‘University of Life’ – that put off everyone we spoke to.
Ian, 44, from Kendal, too:
Someone using the phrases ‘I love life’ (unoriginal and, what, the rest of us are suicidal?) and ‘I like the finer things in life’ (that equals entitled and expecting something for nothing).
Someone who voted Leave.
Bloody Brexit. Breaking up Europe; breaking hearts.
Mel, 42, from Exmouth:
Self-confessed vegans. Someone who writes they’re a vegan.
Vegans are famed for their modesty and reticence on the subject – so to see it front and centre as a romantic sales pitch would fill me with suspicion.
Mel is a naughty sarcastic boy.
Anything else us gals are getting wrong?
Pete, 40, from Durham:
‘Fun-loving’ and tats.
Andy, 33, from Swindon:
‘Babe’ and photos with their mother.
Ah, the photos. Of course.
What are the deal-breakers there?
Cal, 37, from Bedford:
The profile picture with kids in.
John from Milton Keynes again:
Well it’s stating the bleeding obvious, but no photo.
As bad as it sounds, it is a visual medium. And, badly described, it’s too much of a stab in the dark.
I’m not happy with how I look but I’ve still put photos up. So I’d expect the same in return.
Photos with a drugged-out tiger or wild animal from Thailand; a range of duck pout shots; a selection of group photos – who am I swiping on?
And photos of their offspring. It’s not photos of offspring as such – but some people only put photos of their children. I’m sure you’re very proud of little Kevin – but I’m not looking to date little Kevin.
Oh, and photos from their wedding day. I mean, really?
Kenny, 41, from London, nods a sad nod:
Wedding dresses. Seriously, WTF?
There are loads of them. I get that you looked nice that day – but you’re literally marrying someone else. Give over.
I can’t keep repeating the story of the friend of a friend who found out her husband was on Tinder and his profile picture was of their wedding day. They were still married, for God’s sake.
Oh, seems I can keep repeating this story.
And talking of God…
Leroy, 29, from Widnes:
Jesus photos on their profile,
That doesn’t happen! Nicky, 35, from London says it does. And he doesn’t like it.
No mention of religion/God/Jesus, please.
Oh no! Men hate dogs and children and God!
But, no. Men can’t be that awful. Let’s give them one last chance to redeem their naughty selves.
Cam, 40, from Hove
A picture of her lighting a fart.
There you go. I give up.