It’s January. New Year, new you
And the biggest newness? The fabulous life-changing love that’s about to enter your sphere. (Please grow up.)
But how to find this soul mate?
Down the pub? If you like shorts. At work? Not since that ‘holepunch’ gag. Via your friends? They are no longer there for you.
No, your best bet is online. And your bestest bet is Tinder.
To give you the best chance of Tinder success chaps, I asked some ladies to tell me what would turn them off a Tinder profile – to the left, to the left – so you know how to get it right.
First of all, keep your clothes on. The ladies, they no like the nuddyiness.
Hope, 28, from Lincoln:
A selfie of a man, posing topless in a mirror, pulling a stupid ‘meant to be sexy but looks as though he’s constipated’ face. Eugh.
Frances, 30, from Warrington, agrees:
No topless pix. They’re just so ‘Look at how good I am at working out’. Yawn.
And bad grammar. And bad spelling.
No dumb belles, then.
Anything else the gals don’t like?
Ruby, 27, from south London:
A moustache. Just #yuk on the creep-o-meter.
Well, for Ruby, yes. But for other women, the ‘tache might tickle their fancy. They also might really like it.
Turn ons and turn offs are subjective, isn’t it? Apparently not.
Sue, 44, from Sunderland:
We all hate the action pix. Man in something tight-fitting, on a bike, up a mountain, on a zip line/surfboard/whatever.
What is that about?
It’s about showing his balls. And thankfully not literally. For we have already established no nudes is good news.
My friend Alison, 33, from Liverpool also hates the naked men. And much, much more:
Oh where to start.
Naked men lying in bed trying to look like Christian Grey.
A selfie with a hot female celebrity. Oh you know them, do you?
A picture of a car or motorcycle which clearly isn’t yours but you covet.
A photo of your favourite football club emblem. Or Ghandi. Ghandi! Why would they pick him?
Saying that you don’t want a hook-up but want a real relationship – and then your first questions are ‘How big are your tits?’ and ‘Do you like anal?’
And children. Why put a photo of your child on a dating profile?
Alison is not up for the craic.
Helen, 36, from Tunbridge Wells wants to know about the children too:
Their children in the pictures? I’m not against someone having children; it’s more about them exposing their image to the Internet. To random strangers.
I mean, there are some right oddballs around.
And then there are tattoos. Obviously this is individual taste – but a rubbish design on your body permanently? For me that is a poor life choice.
Anyone in fancy dress. Yes, you are wild and wacky. Yes. And there is nothing more attractive than a man dressed as Dracula…
You enjoy ‘banter’? That is code for acting like a complete c***, or saying something quite nasty, and then going ‘Oh it’s only a bit of banter’.
Ah, banter. An online chump I encountered, who cited ‘banter’ in his profile, told me he wouldn’t ‘consider’ me for a relationship because of our age difference – but wanted me to know he did have a thing for ‘hot older women’.
I was four years older than him. Banter *this*, dickhead.
Is that it, though? The definitive ‘must don’ts’ for blokes’ Tinder profiles?
Lucy, 41, from Romford:
A man pictured with a drugged tiger; his previous girlfriend badly cropped out of his photos; him wearing sunglasses (in every shot); the ‘in a football shirt and holding a pint’ shot; and the bio telling women he’s not interested in timewasters – ie clearly angry.
Babs, 46, from Guildford:
Jesus, those ‘I like nothing more than lying on a sofa cuddling the woman I love. Watching old movies, a glass of red in one hand, you in the other…’
Vomits. Sure, me in one hand. And sliding into a million women’s DMs with the other. Jog on, you creepy cliche.
And there’s our final very helpful list for our love-hungry boys.
Sam, 39, from London:
Any animal/comic filters are a no-no. Ditto your favourite cartoon character, your favourite quote, group pix. Which one are you?! Pix of you in a towel.
A man this morning, his profile shot was him in a towel.
Was more like a bath sheet, to be fair. I got his point. But still thought he was killing the romance. At least say ‘Hello’ first.
And any topless pix are wrong.
Men, for Tinder profile success, please note all of the above.
And please don’t think we’re just picking on you.
Keep your eyes out for the blog on what turns men off women’s Tinder profiles. That’s coming soon.
(Oh, also don’t mention your premature ejaculation. You are welcome, tiger.)