Great news everybody – today is peak divorce day.
Yup, according to this cheerful analysis by relationship charity Relate, January 8 is the day couples are most likely to formally separate.
Your relationship is failing because you don’t put out enough
A perfect storm of lousy weather, a bitter Yuletide spent with in-laws, and an emaciated bank balance forces simmering tensions to the surface.
Personally, I don’t think break-ups are necessarily a bad thing.
Clear the dead wood, innit.
Plenty of fish, all that.
So once you’ve decided to pursue the bracing emotional blitzkrieg of a well-timed breakup, only one question remains: What’s the best way to go about it?
Some losers will tell you the best way to part is on good terms.
Tell the sad-sack dumpee you’ve ‘grown apart’.
‘It’s not you hun, it’s me.’
‘We can still be mates.’
Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a load of balls.
If you try and sweeten the heave-ho with empty platitudes, you’re only doing so to salve your own conscience.
And sure, I get it.
You don’t want to be the bad guy – even as you arbitrarily cast another gentle soul into the frigid abyss of rejection.
In all likelihood, you’ve exchanged bodily fluids with this person.
Shared takeaways, pretended to like the same bands.
It’s a tough world out there.
But, if you really cared about the other person, you’d make them hate you.
Let me explain.
If you part ways sensitively, thoughtfully and with well-chosen words, the poor ditched sap will never get over you.
By setting a high benchmark of charm, grace and sensitivity, you all but guarantee none of their future partners will ever quite measure up to you.
Therefore: do your discarded former lover a favour – be a dick.
Tell them you cheated.
Hell, actually cheat.
Make them rue the day they ever set eyes on you.
Their pure, focussed hatred will all but ensure they move on swiftly and without remorse.
And you know what?
One day they might even thank you for it.
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