We all look forward to a Christmas bonus, isn’t that right?
And frankly, we all deserve one. But if you’re a sex-worker, do we still get one?
Why yes, yes we do! Ours came in the shape of Christmas sex parties – joyful, happy events where about a dozen men would be filled with yuletide glee, and four or five willing ladies would help to relieve them of it.
For anyone counting, that’s a lot of baubles and a few well-hung stockings.
Over three days, we would hire a flat and host special parties which lasted up to four hours.
Men could pay to join us from one hour to the full afternoon, and it was generally considered a great way to spend your bonuses, and for us to earn ours.
All in all, it really should have been quite a simple affair.
However, there always seemed to be at least one thing which could bugger the whole thing right up, proving once again that sex-work would be great – if it wasn’t for the clients.
Ding-dong merrily, are you high?!
Imagine it. You’re in a room with six naked men, all having a delightful time with a couple of naked women, and you’re the type of bell-end who decides this is a great time to bring out your phone.
Fortunately, I’m the type of gal who just loves roasting chestnuts on an open fire.
At this particular party, I was maiding (which basically means I poured the drinks, and cleared the condoms).
I also made sure the clients swapped their clothes for a towel at the very beginning.
Therefore, as one young venturer came back into the room and reached for his phone he seemed utterly bewildered about why he couldn’t use it.
‘Because you’re at a sex party,’ I said.
‘But, I don’t get why,’ he moaned.
‘Because you are at a SEX party!’ I think you can begin to see why this conversation has been stuck in my head.
This is why receiving money for sex is such a pleasure.
If I’d have known just how their tiny minds work, I’d have sewn my vagina shut a long time ago.
God rest ye, merry gentleman…
As with any good Christmas party, it’s traditional to get a bit carried away at the free bar.
We had wine and beers to help things along a little, but not enough to spoil the momentum. Or so we thought…
Turns out that a guest had been enjoying a few red wines and the general atmosphere.
So much so, in fact, that after about four hours of ‘general atmosphere’, he was seen dribbling at the end of the bed with a grin which suggested he had been having a very jolly Christmas indeed!
This was my first party, so I naturally thought this was all part of it. After all, we were spectacular at ‘general atmosphere’.
However, one of the ladies noticed he had a fresh plaster on his arm, and remembered he had said something about going away on holiday soon.
Cue a rush to google what inoculations you shouldn’t have drinks with. Turns out, it’s most of them.
Fortunately, it was nearing the end of the party, so two of our gals took him to A&E in a taxi where he could have a silent night all to himself.
All part of the service.
Little Drummer Boy
When asking a few sex-worker pals for similar stories, one came to me with this little box of delights…
‘As the men were arriving for the first hour, one came in looking far too young. We never let anyone under 21 in, and I was pretty sure this guy had been born this century.
‘When I asked him for ID, he looked crestfallen – as if I had threatened to tell his mum where he’d been!
‘We were really insistent, there was no way he was going to come in without proving he was over 18, let alone 21.
‘He trudged out, and I was fairly sure we weren’t going to see him ever again.
‘But sure enough, an hour later he came back with a driving license, a passport, his student ID and even his birth certificate! There was no way he was going to miss the party.
‘Sure enough, they all confirmed he was actually 23. I guess he was just waiting for a growth spurt.
‘Most sex-workers I know don’t see younger guys as they can be a bit of a jack-rabbit when it comes to shagging, but I’m pleased to say he turned out to be really pleasant… and actually good in bed! Definitely worth the wait…’
So if you want to have some fun, why not enjoy some holiday stuffing at a sex party with some professionals?
As they say… Oh cum, all ye faithful!