Isn’t sex – sorry, making the sweet love – just so magical?
All-consuming, all-consummating – a joining of two bodies (let’s leave threesomes and fourgies out of this please, you deviants), two minds, two souls.
The ultimate human experience.
Or, alternatively, it’s dull as, yes, f*** and you need to concentrate on anything other than the sex to get through those tortuous four and a half minutes.
I asked some friends what they think about when they’re bored during sex so you have enough material to get you through the next disappointing 30 years of disappointing union.
You are welcome.
My friend Paul, 38, from Stratford, gets a bit cultural on his own disinterested ass. Sort of.
The last time I was bored during sex, I thought about that old black and white Robinson Crusoe that used to be on the telly every school summer holiday.
I have also run through my Amazon wish list.
Ah, the lists. Lists are good. They help organise our lovely lil’ lives. And take us away from the tedium of Terry’s thrusting.
Sally, 27, from Lewes, agrees:
I’ve just taken up flower-arranging. I love it. It’s so calming.
And I often find my mind wandering to the list of flowers I’m working with right now. Or which one goes with what. It’s nice.
There’s a rose to thorn to annoying prick connection there somewhere. But f***ed if I can find it.
Back to the lists. Lists seem really popular amongst those disappointed between the sheets.
Lesley, 41, from Sheffield, for example, says:
Oh I go through every list.
My work ‘to do’ list; my shopping list; my ‘what I’d do if I won the lottery’ list and, the one that really occupies my mind during s*** sex, my ‘who would I leave what to when I die?’ list.
I feel like my brain has had a great workout after the sex. At least something has, eh?
Lesley makes a good blunt point there.
Her ‘tell it like it is’-ness is equalled by Dev, 30, from Ipswich.
I am not sure I get bored during sex.
But this reminds me of talking with mates about fantasies.
One was quite stereotypical: ski lodge, fire, silk dressing gowns [dangerous. Don’t try that at home, kidz], Chinese food.
And the other guy’s fantasy was a knee-trembler round the back of a cricket pavilion.
He then talked about the sandwiches and tea more than anything else. Food was clearly key to both of them.
Not just them.
My friend Jo, 41, from Aberdeen, says about those less-than-overwhelming sexy times:
When I’m bored, I think about what to snack on after.
TBF, he is thinking the same.
It’s usually buttered toast. It was Ben & Jerry’s to begin with. But, well, that was an indulgence too much, too often.
I hear ya, lady. Another pal uses food to, ahem, fill that hole too.
‘Crisps,’ says Chris, 39, from Bristol. ‘I think about crisps.’
Any particular flavour? No reply.
Chris is a crisp slut. Bad Chris.
So what else do people think about to make the beast with two backs a little wilder?
Jane, 40, from Brighton, says:
My exes’ dads.
It’s true. I’ve always fancied my boyfriends’ dads. So I imagine it’s them f***ing me instead. Or watching us shag.
I take my poor mind away from what’s actually going on in bed – yawn – to what I really wish was going on in bed.
And if you think Jane’s behaviour needs explaining, what about this freakin’ freak?
Ian, 34, from Chester, says:
I think about World War II.
I did think ;She’s going to think I’m taking the piss’. But, no.
The scenarios vary, I guess. Having to dig a foxhole on an island made primarily of lava, how regiments that stormed the beaches of Normandy in June had no original members by Christmas. Y’know, sexy stuff.
It can also be a ‘delaying’ tactic – but I usually just think of Maggie Thatcher for that. Or John [Major] and Edwina [Curry].
Oh boy. Thinking of MPs during sex? There is a limit, you know. But apparently we haven’t hit it yet.
My friend Jake, 22, from Brixton:
Prime Minister’s names. When I’m bored. In chronological order.
We start with Walpole. And have a very disappointing finish with Theresa May.
To banish that image, let’s delve more into the ‘delaying’ tactics.
When you don’t want to come too soon, what do you think of? More Maggie ‘out, out, out’ Thatcher and her ‘in out in out’ colleagues? (Ask yer mum.)
Danny, 20, from Islington:
I do. I think of my mum. Her telling me off. Or her asking me what I want for dinner. Or her losing her s*** over the state of my room. Instant ‘calmer’, that.
Nick, 41, from Manchester, says:
I think of my kittens.
You can’t think of cute kittens, cuddling and playing, and still be in the mood. There’s something very very wrong if you can.
I think of my kittens – snuggling up to me or being cheeky so I’ll feed them – and I go all soft and gooey. Which is OK in this situation.
And when you want to orgasm immediately? What do you think of then?
Pete, 32, from Hampstead:
Tom Hardy. I just have to think of Tom Hardy. Lovely Tom Hardy. Lovely, lovely Thomas Hardy.