Why are we talking about teabagging today, just a few days before Christmas? Why are we ruining your cups of tea by chatting about suckling on someone’s testicles?
Well, dear friends. It’s all thanks to a cheeky little Poundland advert, which showed an elf gleefully dangling a Twinings teabag (Twinings has since come out to say they don’t approve of their teabags being used in such a way) on to Barbie’s face, as she lay, rigid, wearing a ‘power’ T-shirt.
I’m sure for many of us the meaning of the ad sunk in pretty quickly, and we either felt the whole thing was a little off or we let out a teacup sized laugh.
But there are some sweet souls who just don’t get it. They don’t understand. Why is an elf dangling a sack of tea in Barbie’s face? Why are people so offended?
We’re here to help.
What is teabagging?
Okay, so imagine a pair of testicles is actually a teabag.
You know how you dunk a teabag in and out of your mug when you’re letting it brew? That’s what you’re going to do with someone’s balls. Except instead of dunking them in scalding hot water, you dip them in and out of your mouth.
The mouth can suck, lick, or just be an open balls receptacle.
Teabagging is sometimes used as a prank (usually performed by lads on their drunk lad friend who fell asleep on the sofa with his mouth open), but is also used as a sexual act.
Many people enjoy stimulation of the nutsack, and dipping balls into someone’s mouth can be a pleasant way to do it.
How to teabag
If you’re going to be the mug in this equation, teabagging is a fine art. You’ll need to chat with your partner (beforehand, we mean. It’s hard to ask questions when you’ve got a mouthful of balls) to find out what they like.
What turns one person on does absolutely nothing to another, and balls can be quite a sensitive area. See if they prefer a rougher touch, if they’d like gentle sucking, or if they want you to open wide and do nothing.
Once you’ve figured out what your partner would like – and you’re keen to teabag as well – it’s pretty simple.
More: Sex
It’s usually best to try teabagging as part of stimulation of the penis. You can give your partner a blow job, wiggle down to suck the balls, and keep wanking off the penis for a pleasant sensation. Or they can masturbate while you lick and suck their balls.
If they want dipping and only dipping, make sure you’re in a comfortable position and do a test try to make sure your gag reflex won’t be triggered. Lying on your back with your head dangling off the bed can provide easy access, and your partner can then lean over to touch your sexy bits.
Tips for enjoyable teabagging
For the teabag-holder – please make sure your balls are clean. The nutsack area has a fun way of getting all warm and sweaty throughout the day, and the scent and taste of that is not what most people would call pleasant.
You should also check whether your teabagger would prefer hair-free balls or full hair. Stubble isn’t advisable as you may give them little scratches on their mouth.
Go slow, make sure the person you’d like to teabag is as enthusiastic as you are, and establish a signal they can use to show they want to stop right away (a tap on the leg, for example), in case there are issues with gagging.
If you’re the person receiving the teabag, go gently at first, check in to see how your partner reacts, and don’t be offended if they giggle or don’t seem into it. Men are fairly particular about their balls, and your mindblowing move may just feel a bit funny on someone else. Start things off by gently licking the balls during a blow job.
Use plenty of moisture, don’t be afraid to get messy, and make sure you only teabag with someone you trust – someone who respects your desires, wants you to feel good, who’ll have nice balls, and who’ll stop when you say so.
Tips for making an excellent cup of tea
For anyone who landed here by accident and is still a tad confused, don’t panic! We also have tips for actual tea.
Medical herbalist Sebastian Pole told us his tips for making the perfect cup of tea. It’s all in the details.
How to make a brilliant cup of tea:
Filter your water
‘Water should be fresh, pure, clear odourless and low minerals,’ he says. The best way of achieving this is by using a water filter.
Don’t over-boil your water
Overboiling water can lead to a scummy film forming on the surface due to all the minerals trying to escape. That makes the tea taste rank because it upsets the balance between the tannins and subtle oils and amino acids in the herbs.
To avoid this, try not to overfill your kettle – just put enough water for your cup or pot so you’re not reboiling the same water twice.
Know which temperature is best for your tea
Different types of tea require different temperature water.
‘Herbal teas should be made with freshly boiled water at a temperature of around 90–95°C/ 190–205°F,’ says Simon.
‘Delicate teas such as chamomile, mint or green teas infuse in a lower water temperature. Oolongs (traditional Chinese teas) and fruit teas need a slightly hotter temperature whilst black teas infuse at an even hotter temperature.’
Green tea should have around 80-85°C water, oolongs should be around 85-90°C, and black teas should be 93°C.
Use freshly boiled water
Reboiling risks concentrating certain compounds like nitrates and salts that might be in the water and again, that can affect the taste of the tea.
Infuse the tea for the right length of time
Delicate flower teas need less infusion time (1-2 minutes), while harder fruits, roots and barks (and black teas) need longer (3-5 minutes).
Get the right cup or pot
Does the mug you sup from really make a difference to the taste? Well…no, not really.
‘There is no “right” cup or pot to make and drink tea from,’ Simon confirms.
But, the cup can affect the overall experience.
‘If you’re brewing tea in a pot, then choose a sturdy one so it keeps your tea warm. The choice of cup is all yours – a good trick is to keep a lid on your cup while drinking aromatic herbs to prevent the valuable volatile oils from evaporating away.
‘And of course, always drink your tea in good company or in a relaxed environment to fully appreciate its taste and benefits.’
So there you have it. Never suffer a mediocre cuppa again.
Give your tea room to move
Teabags are fine in a pinch, but if you really want a great cuppa, use loose leaves in a teapot, then pour through a strainer into your cup. Allowing the leaves to move around in the water freely creates a better taste.
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