Megan Barton-Hanson was so convinced that suicide was her only option that she asked her mothers permission in January this year.
Months before she would flourish on the 2018 series of Love Island, the 24-year-old was battling one of her worst bouts of depression.
Megan says her family felt helpless but told her that the best thing she could do was speak about it.
I have struggled with depression on and off throughout my life, Megan told poet and mental health advocate Hussain Manawer in an interview published by MailOnline.
Thinking back to the start of this year, Megan added: I was on the sofa with my mum asking her permission. Asking, “Can I kill myself?” And there was nothing she could do.
She told me to call [an NHS helpline]. Its the worst thing watching someone you love suffer. And you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, they cant see the light.
Megan says that the experience of Love Island, which came seven months later, was like a rehab space where she got to reconnect with people without phones, alcohol and other distractions.
Despite appearing confident and self-assured on the show, Megan broke her silence on her mental health issues within weeks of being eliminated, revealing a decade-long battle with depression.
Raising awareness on World Mental Health day, Megan told her social media following: Id suffered on and off with mental health problems since my teens.
At the end of 2017/early 2018 was probably the lowest Id ever felt. There were a few times that I just didnt want to wake up, I had suicidal thoughts, and had even gone to my mum sobbing about what I should do as I didnt want to be alive anymore.
Megan revealed she often distracted herself by going shopping or partying, but when she was alone the negative thoughts would return.
On how Love Island acted like a retreat, she said: I didnt realise at the time what the impact of being away from it all in the villa would have on my mental state.
I thought it would make me famous and I would earn lots of money and that would bring me happiness but actually it was more like a rehab retreat for me stripping everything back and forcing me to see what was most important in my life.
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