A reader offers some new advice for those looking to have fun with GTA Online and avoid the scourge of flying cars…
Many years ago I wrote a tongue-in-cheek guide for players of GTA Online. At the time, a select few in the Underbox missed the point, thinking I was serious. I must now apologise. It seems all 95 million players did the same and now the game is exclusively played by rabidly violent, psychotic, rapscallions of the highest order.
I apologise. Heres my new guide to online etiquette in GTA.
1. Always presume hostile intent from anyone approaching you either on foot or in a vehicle. Based on this presumption you should shoot and kill them first. At least, you would, had you not been exploded by the hail of missiles from their flying car.
2. If the vehicle approaching you is occupied by two or more players they are definitely hostile. You wont get a chance to find out though because youll be dead from the rain of bombs from the stealth helicopter that killed you three seconds ago.
3. If you are very pleased with the modifications to your vehicle keep it in your garage and dont show anyone. If you go outside it will be bombed, shot, and exploded within seconds.
4. If another player drives towards you in their beautiful vehicle and hasnt shot you yet, thats only because they havent equipped their weapon. Shoot them with everything youve got before they, and you, are killed by a player in a flying car.
5. Never follow other vehicles. They are likely to be a flying car and will shoot your face off with missiles.
6. Use Lester to go off the radar whenever possible. My online etiquette guide of five years ago caused players to seek out people going about their own business (my bad). Their rabid need to kill cannot be sated. Your only hope is they find another rabid player, and torture one other instead.
7. Players dont steal cars anymore: everyone has a flying car. If you do see a player without a flying car theyre probably heading towards you. Theyve probably put explosives in their car. Theyre probably going to explode themselves, and you. So take to the skies in your flying car! You dont have one? You must. Theyre awesome and require no skill whatsoever to use.
8. Forget about waiting outside peoples apartments. No one spends any time there anymore. Instead, enjoy meeting them when you are delivering your mission critical supplies to a drop-off. Enjoy how they kill you and take said supplies for themselves.
9. When another player has a bounty on their head you shouldnt hunt them down. They will have that bounty because theyve killed so many people with their non-game-ruining flying car.
10. Dont get on the roof of Los Santos Customs in the north of the city and shoot anyone going into or out of the shop. No one goes there anymore because everyone was sniping them as they did so. Instead, enjoy being sniped or exploded when you try to do anything. Anywhere. With anyone. All the time.
11. Always accept invites to missions, the person will have a flying car. Theyll complete the mission in about 32 seconds and you wont have to lift a finger. Missions are such fun when the objectives are completed before you can reach them. (Genuinely good for cash flow though.)
12. When in a mission do not enter a strangers vehicle. They dont want you in it, they fly alone.
13. If the mission objective is to take a helicopter or plane to a specified place you should attempt to fly the vehicle at the expense of all else because no one knows how to fly helicopters and planes any more. They only know how to fly cars.
14. When in combat during a mission, try to kill those few remaining enemies that havent already been exploded by the players in flying cars/on flying bikes.
A better place
1. If you have lots of money, buy nothing at all. The nightclub update is coming very soon and there will no doubt be a whole host of new things to buy like invisible flying cars, with lasers, and missiles, and bombs, and time travel… probably.
2. If someone kills you it is no longer customary to visit revenge upon them. Instead, find a new session. If you retaliate you will be hunted down for the rest of your life. They will come to your real house and shoot you in the face.
3. If you are fortunate enough to own a stealth chopper, a flying car, or other such vehicle support your fellow players. Be a saviour. Hunt down those that would destroy those low-level players who dont yet have access to all the good stuff.
4. Go about your business and leave others to theirs. Be a good criminal and play nice with the others.
5. Should you do all of the above, you, me and a small handful of others, will reverse the effect of my terrible advice five years ago. Our kindness will be paid forward. Together, we can leave the psychos to play together and make GTA Online safe(ish) again. Until I get a flying car and then youre all dead to me… *joking*
By reader Biglizafish (PSN ID)
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