Johnny Depp wrote a memoir because he was so unhappy after his split from Amber Heard, he has said.
The Pirates of the Caribbean star has told Rolling Stone magazine in a wide-ranging interview that he was as low as he could have gone following the divorce from his wife and financial woes.
He talked to the magazine ahead of a court case in which Depp is suing his former management team over his money troubles and the firm, TMG, are counter-suing over his alleged bad behaviour.
Describing his state of mind after the collapse of his marriage and finances, Depp told Rolling Stone: "I was as low as I believe I could have gotten.
"The next step was, 'You're going to arrive somewhere with your eyes open and you're going to leave there with your eyes closed.' I couldn't take the pain every day.
"I poured myself a vodka in the morning and started writing until the tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see the page anymore.
"I kept trying to figure out what I'd done to deserve this. I'd tried being kind to everyone, helping everyone, being truthful to everyone.
"The truth is most important to me. And all this still happened."
Depp and Heard split in 2016 amid highly publicised claims of domestic violence and counter-claims of financial blackmail.
The bitter divorce was finalised in January 2017.
In the interview, Depp said he actually spent more than claimed by the firm on both wine and to fire the ashes of his friend the author Hunter S Thompson out of a cannon.
"It's insulting to say that I spent $30,000 on wine," Depp told the magazine. "Because it was far more."
And he added: "By the way, it was not $3m to shoot Hunter into the f***ing sky. It was $5m."
According to Rolling Stone, he also said he employed a sound engineer who would feed him his lines through an earpiece, while acting, something Depp said was necessary to allow him to perform in the way he wanted to.
"I've got bagpipes, a baby crying and bombs going off," Depp said. "It creates a truth. Some of my biggest heroes were in silent film. It had to be behind the eyes. And my feeling is, that if there's no truth behind the eyes, doesn't matter what the f***ing words are."
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The interview was conducted at Depp's rented property in Highgate, north London, in December. The trial is scheduled for August, according to Rolling Stone.
Depp, 55, is in Europe at present where he is touring with his band The Hollywood Vampires.